The Trouble With Names
by Kevin3
Summary: Parody/Humor - Ever wonder what would happen to a first year entrance to Hogwarts that just happened to have the unluckiest name in existence?


**The Trouble With Names**

by Kevin

Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. Sorry.

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"And the last student to be sorted," McGonagall called out, "... Mary Sue."

This immediately caused the Great Hall to erupt in buzzing whispers.

"Mary-Sue?"

"Did she say _Mary-Sue_?"

McGonagall glared at the Hogwarts students, silencing them with her look. "Mary Sue, please come up."

A petite little girl nervously walked up and sat upon the stool in front of the great hall, trying not to tremble as McGonagall slowly placed the sorting hat upon her head.

"Hmmmm... very friendly," the Sorting Hat mused, "a kind heart... you belong in... HUFFLEPUFF!"

"WHAT?!" blurted James.

"Hufflepuff?" Rose asked.

"Something's wrong," James shouted. "Sues never get sorted into _Hufflepuff_. Try it again!"

"Mister Potter," McGonagall remonstrated. "The sorting hat does not make mistakes."

After the sorting ceremony, a gaggle of Gryffindors snuck off and intercepted Mary Sue before she got to her house commons.

"Wait, Mary Sue," Albus called out.

Mary turned around, slightly scared at the older students confronting her.

"Why aren't you in Gryffindor?"

"Yeah, why aren't you in Gryffindor?"

"I... I don't know," Mary replied.

"Whoa! What color are those eyes of yours?" Rose asked.

Mary blinked. "Er... brown?"

"And that hair!"

"Uh... Brown again." Mary was clearly wondering what was wrong with these students.

"Wow... a Mary-Sue with brown hair and brown eyes! And it's not even a cool brown, just regular plain boring brown."

"I've never heard of something like that," Albus said, shaking his head.

"Well, what's your form?"

"Form?"

"Form! Your animagus form - what animal is it?"

"What's an animagus form?"

"It's... wait, you don't even know what animagi are?"

"No, I'm just a first year," Mary mumbled meekly.

"First year? You mean you didn't transfer in from some school in America?"

"Still," Albus joined in, "your parents should have told you about Animagi w... oh... I'm... sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"What?" Mary Sue asked. "Why are you sorry?"

"I didn't mean to bring up your parents."

"Why?"

"Well," Albus said slowly and quietly, "I mean... er... they're dead, right?"

"No they aren't!" Mary shrieked.

"What!" James burst. "Are you sure?" He then whispered to Rose, "Maybe they're going to die later this year instead? Do you think they beat her as a kid?"

"And... ew!" Rose said, squealing. "Look at that pimple!"

Mary Sue looked horrified.

"And another one," Rose said, pointing at the girl's forehead. "That's just disgusting. Totally Un-Sueish."

"Her teeth are a bit crooked, too," James added.

Mary Sue, at this point, looked on the verge of tears.

"Yeah, definitely not amazingly attractive or anything," Albus added, shrugging. "Not what I'd expect of..."

"Detention!" yelled McGonagall, storming up to the gaggle of students. "And 50 points from Gryffindor. Get back to your dormatories." The quartet of elder Gryffindor students quickly ran.

Mary Sue let out a loud choking sob and lunged towards McGonagall, throwing her arms around the headmistress as she burst into tears.

McGonagall gave her an awkward pat as she felt her robes wetten. "It's okay... it's okay..." she murmurred, trying to console the student."

"Why are they so mean?" Mary Sue wailed. "What did I do to them?"

"Er..." McGonagall stammered. Did she have the heart to tell this poor girl her fate? That she'd be despised by all and forever be a pariah of the community? Merely because her parents chose an unfortunate name for their child? She delicately said, "This school has had some... bad luck with people named Mary-Sue... really bad luck. Perhaps you might consider changing your name?"

Mary Sue slowly collected herself until she only gave the occasional sniffle. "Well," she ventured, "I always really liked the name 'Harmony'."

McGonagall blanched. Mary didn't notice, starting to rebuild her esteem. "Yeah, and my hair color is kinda plain... suppose I could change it to pink and green spikes or something - after I start learning about animagi, of course."

Her knees buckling a bit as the student wandered back to their common, Minerva whispered, "Please, no, not again..."

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